*I'm thinking of blogging again, and found this draft from 12/2012 that I never published.  Here you go world... just an interesting experience I had.

Edgar Allan Poe spoke of a unique class of "fancies" -'thoughts that were not really thoughts and described it as follows...

 "only at its epochs of most intense tranquillity–when the bodily and mental health are in perfection–and at those mere points of time where the confines of the waking world blend with those of the world of dreams. I am aware of these "fancies" only when I am upon the very brink of sleep, with the consciousness that I am so. I have satisfied myself that this condition exists but for an inappreciable point of time–yet it is crowded with these "shadows of shadows" 

I had an experience like this today. Sights that could not really be seen. I drifted off while reading and awoke peacefully with my eyes closed. Before I opened my eyes I realized that I could see something beautiful. Colors and patterns moving and swirling about, mostly green and blue, ebbing and flowing in three dimensions. I "focused" on what I could "see" trying to decide what it was. Perhaps the blood vessels of my eyelids or retina? I was most assuredly awake. I turned my head a little and everything got a little darker, so I turned it back. Then I covered each eye to see if it would have an effect. When I covered my left eye with my hand nothing happened, but when I covered my right eye with my hand (without applying pressure) there was darkness that flowed in, and out again when I removed my hand. It is so difficult to put down in words what I saw. I opened my eyes, and closed them again, and the scene was gone.

 I decided to Google "seeing with your eyes closed" and found a lovely wiki article that gives an explanation of this phenomenon, "closed eye visualization" (or hallucination) What I experienced was Level 3, just a step below actually seeing and conversing with unicorns (kidding), also known as a type of phosphene. There is a small gif that shows an example, but what I saw was much more beautiful, dimensional and dynamic. And although the wiki associates this mainly with LSD use, I assure you I have never dropped acid. I read a little more about this... it is a fascinating subject! I wonder what this from? Random nerve firing? Strange! Anybody else experience this? I also have struggled with sleep paralysis which is linked to on the wiki page.

We had such a crazy full weekend.

Saturday each of the girls had a dance recital, we had pizza together at Mellow Mushroom and Gracie got to show off her moves at her last ballet class of this session.

My dad and our friend Kaelan were there to cheer them on and bring them flowers.  This is such a big deal to me for two reasons.

First, it was not easy for either one to come.  Dad works 12 hour night shifts and Kaelan has to push through the pain of being in the late stages of cancer to traipse all over town with us.

Secondly...  I hate that my children are fatherless.  I really wish they had a man who would invest in them... show them fatherly love in the ways only a man can do.  It was huge to me that both my dad and friend would cheer for my girls on their big day.  (Although it's hard for me to hold it together with the knowledge that sooner or later Kaelan will get to tell the girls' daddy all about their recital - right after he meets Jesus face to face... and that will probably be sooner rather than later.)  

After the dancing we got to be honored guests at a party for single moms and their children AND then some wonderful worship at Quest with a fantastic message about the faithfulness of God to fulfill his promises - a fresh reminder for me in a difficult season.

In the middle of all that - I took some quiet time to pray for my friends in Malawi who are really suffering right now - and maybe had a glimpse of something in the future for me.

Sunday we got to celebrate 9 years with my littlest Princess Grace.  She got a tiara to remind her that she is royalty, a Christmas puppet show, yummy fried chicken lunch with dear friends and new friends, pierced ears at the mall, froyo from orange leaf, a hilarious night of fun at life group and a long conversation with Grandma Judy.

Is life perfect? No - but it's pretty dang good.

I could dwell on the things that are hard - like the fact that my children's father is G O N E.  But why?

I know that my God is faithful.   He promises beauty from ashes, and that my grief will be turned to joy.   There will be dancing.

Psalm 68:4-6

Sing praises to him who rides the clouds
His name is the Lord --
Father to the fatherless, defender of widows --
this is God whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.

Oh God - please I beg this of you -  be a father to my fatherless girls, Annie and Grace. Defend me.  You are the Lord of Heaven's Army; protect me those who would hurt me.   Give me wisdom to lead them to your lap Jesus, I want you to be their father, the everlasting Father who never will fail them.   I confess that I was putting my hope in others to step forward to help me and I need to trust YOU Jesus.  You would never hand me a stone after promising bread.  I trust you Jesus when you say, "If sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him.

OK... I'm drifting off to sleep... any more writing would cease to be coherent.

Good Night,
Sara

One Day at a Time

Last week, I sought advice from a very wise woman, about something I was struggling with in my heart. 


I decided, about a month ago, that I wanted to give dating another try.  It's not that I was feeling lonely, actually, I've not felt lonely in a while.  I think it's just been on my mind, and I felt like I was ready.


(I haven't told my family any of this yet, so if any of you are reading this and finding out for the first time... I'm Sorry.  Thank You for reading.  Read on.)


So,  I sort of felt guilty about wanting to meet somebody.  The battle in my heart was this: I wondered if wanting a husband was the same as saying that Jesus is just not enough for me.  Oh, that sounds ugly.  I didn't want to fall into a trap needing Jesus and [fill in the blank] to be satisfied.

Jesus, if I could just 

get married again, 

start school,

lose weight,

have more money,

have more friends, 

go on trips..... 

then I'll be happy.

It's such an easy place to go, after all we grow up asking God to bless us.  But I didn't want to hang my happiness on the chance that finding a good man would make me happy, and then pour my energy into having a relationship - thanking God for blessing me and leaving him in the dust as I ride off into the sunset with Prince Charming.


My wise woman challenged me to be very intentional about spending time with Jesus and commit to 30 min a day, not just the haphazard moments I have with him.  To soak in the word and lean on him.  I've done this, and I can't believe how this past week I feel like I'm simply filled to overflowing with His love.  I have a confidence and joy that is hard to describe.  Even when I came up against a place that stirred up negative thoughts and disappointment,  I was able to rest with confidence that Jesus is ALWAYS faithful.


I might not know the details and the timing, but the one who created time is in control. 
In this past year I finally discovered what I believe to be my calling to the medical field, and then delay after delay.  I asked a word from God about going back to Africa with my girls, and received the answer of "Yes, but not now."


But God has been so faithful, giving me little gifts that I didn't even realize I was praying for.  He's making it obvious to me that I CAN trust him with everything and he will care for my heart, so I don't have to be afraid of anything.  Jesus freed me from the bitterness of unforgiveness, and now he is freeing me of other things like resentment, entitlement, and expectations. 


I just keep telling myself that I can't even imagine how glorious his plans are for my life.  Better than a fairy tale, his story for me is on the shelf next to THE Book of Life.  How awesome is that??!!


I hesitate to admit publicly that I have met a man, but I have.  I didn't find him, he found me.  And I immediately threw a cold bucket of water at him.  Awesome.  But I didn't scare him off... not yet anyway.


This is when I reached out to my wise woman for advice... I was worried that I would hop off down a rabbit trail away from Jesus, toward this man.  I realized that I wasn't taking my relationship with Jesus as serious as I could.  So instead of losing myself in the prospect of a new romance, it's actually driving me to become more intimate with Jesus.  That has to be a good thing!  I'm praying, I'm reading the Bible with new determination, I'm seeking God's will and turning my will over to him.  I'm getting my hopes up, but not hanging my hope on this relationship, rather trusting that whatever happens, God has me in the palm of his hand.


This man I've met likes to say "One Day at a Time."  Such wisdom.  It's now been 11 "One 
Day"s since we first met.  And I'm grateful for the chance to get to know this wonderful man and at the same time get to know Jesus more deeply.  I don't have to worry that this relationship might not work out.  If it doesn't work out, I still win, because I've come to experience the faithfulness of my Savior and he's filled me with the certainty that he has everything under control.  "Just trust me, I got this." He says.


So there you go... One Day at a Time.

A day in the life

Woke up early, but exhausted after a long day yesterday (rode bike to work, worked, got a ride home and realized I had to work at the swim meet... 3 hours in the concession stand!)

Started laundry since I didn't have anything to wear to work.

Watered the garden (also known as Widow's Hill Farm from here on out)

I called Boss since my commute is much longer when I walk over a mile to the bus stop, then ride 40 minutes... and I was already running late.

He kindly suggested I take the day off to try and get the car fixed... good idea.

Took the clothes out of the dryer and hung them on the clothesline instead.

Called my bud Loralee to see if she and her hubby would help me figure out what's wrong.

Tried to jump start it... let it charge... it finally started and the motor clattered and clanged and grumbled very badly... something it had NOT been doing before it died on the highway Monday.

*sigh*

Maybe the battery is just shot, and it's throwing the timing off...

Dropped over $100 on new battery... nope that's not it.

Picked up Loralee's dog.... see Twitpic

Came home.

Set up my online account with BCTC
Today is the first day I was able to register for my summer class, because I'm a new student.

All sections of my class are full :(  I need to take this class this session or have to wait until Jan. 2013 to start nursing school.

Fired off a note to the instructor asking for permission to add the class (per the registrars suggestion)

Called to see if I could get a ride up to camp to pick up my kids.... I can, but there's not enough room to bring us back!  That's OK... I'll get a ride back with someone else... no worries.

Called another friend to see if she can bring us back... she's full... still need a ride. 
But I got to have a great talk with her.

Thought the cat looked dirty, so I wet him down with some no rinse cat shampoo and toweled him off...

Now I'm covered in cat fur.

Upside: the cat didn't seem to mind much.  He's soft and smells good now.

Walked out to the garden to put a bunch of cat fur in the compost heap and realized that our yellow squash seeds sprouted today while all this was going on.

*smile*

I sat on the ground and looked at this for a long time.

Bare ground this morning.

Sprouts this evening.

Widow's Hill Farm is growing.

Let the orphans eat!

Watered the garden again... thankful for all the good things in life. 

I still don't know what's wrong with my car, or how I'm going to pay for it. 
I may not be able to take that class... thus delaying my start date for nursing school.
But I have a feeling everything is going to work out just fine.

Just another day in life of this widowed single mom. 

Thanks for reading this far.

The Short Version of a Long Plan

In response to what I'll call a 'Holy Dissatisfaction" with the status quo, I spent some time praying.  I stopped looking out and started looking in.  I believe in the quiet of a moment, God whispered a "Yes you can, It's not too late" when I shot an idea down.  He told me this idea that I have that seems impossible really is possible with him.
I'm going to Nursing School.
As soon as I can.
It's what I never knew I always wanted to with my life.
I'm working on getting my transcripts from the college where I got my BBA - already encountered a roadblock. Apparently I still owe them $450 - oops.
Then I can meet with advisors to start the application process.
I want to take a few pre-reqs, and misc classes either this summer or fall, and try to start full time in a BSN program in Jan. 2012

Work part-time as a tax collector.

Work my butt off as a nursing student, and widowed mother of 2.

Graduate in spring of 2014

Get a job in critical care, surgery unit or whatever will prepare me the best to.... wait for it....
Publish Post
Go back to school again in 2 years to become a CRNA.

Work my butt off some more with my girls in high school and middle school.

Graduate before my oldest finishes high school.

Get a job where I can work hard, but have free time to travel with surgical teams to care medically for the worlds poor.

Do it all while leaning on Jesus - because I know I CANNOT do this by myself - humanly speaking, it's impossible but with God all things are possible.  He will equip me for everything he's called me to do.

Thanks for listening.

The very best thing about widowhood.

I really do wish I could have my husband back.  I wish that my little girls had their Daddy, and that we were one big happy family.

BUT...  There's one thing that's great about this situation.

Now,
I'm the BOSS. 

After years of an unhealthy marriage, we were really just starting over when he died.   Jesus took a wrecking ball to our marriage (that was very wrecked anyway) and was rebuilding something very beautiful.  But before that, Roger was controlling, manipulative and made bad choices that put all of us in challenging situations year after year.

But now it's up to me to lead this family.  Well- me and Jesus.  It's pretty hard to be in this spot sometimes, because I don't have a husband to help make decisions.  And on the big decisions I was used to being over ruled most the time.  (That's how we got to Lexington, I didn't want to come!)
Now, I can seek help from whoever I want, but ultimately I am the one who makes the choices around here.  

I'm feeling a little cocky about it right now... maybe a little too cocky.  I'm thinking of taking my girls on a trip... and I'm realizing that as long as I can fund it... I can basically do whatever I want to do, and there's nothing anybody can do to stop me.

It's kind of nice.
It's one of the few good things about widowhood.
Maybe the very best thing about widowhood.

How far would you go?

I want to write about something I remember Pastor Shaun King saying (not exact quote, but the same idea) -

Suppose you find out that the children who live down the street are being abused terribly? 
Or they are starving... living out in the elements (maybe living in a pen in the back yard)? 

Would you be outraged? 
Would you want to save them? 
Would you have the police, child services, ANYBODY beating down the doors to save them?  
How many people would you tell until you those kids were safe, fed, and sheltered?

What if those kids weren't down the street?
Maybe they lived in a different area of town? 
Maybe they live in a different state?

What if they don't live in the US.  What if they live in Haiti or Africa?
How far away do those babies have to be - before you stop caring?
How far until it doesn't matter to you anymore?

I'd be willing to bet there are more than just a few of my Facebook / Twitter friends who have muted me because they don't want to see me post about Haiti or Africa AGAIN.

But there's still work that needs to be done.  Little kids are DYING of Cholera in an outbreak in Haiti because they don't have access to clean water.   These are kids that would running around on the playground with YOUR kids if they lived here.   

My friends in Africa have rescued two little boys, Yamikani and Ishmael.  The older boy, Yamikani has been tied up in a goat pen for TWELVE YEARS because he has some kind of condition that causes him to fall.  His little brother Ishmael was so anemic he needed a blood transfusion.  It was too late for the mother's other SEVEN children.

So I won't apologize for the content of my facebook posts and tweets.  To the tell the truth, I'm ashamed I don't do more.

If this touches a spot and you and you want to help.... THERE IS SOMETHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS!

If you want to help people in Haiti - Donate to http://www.fountainsofhope.org/
for more info (and how to donate from Canada) visit my friend Melissa's Blog .
UPDATE:  Melissa is at Northwest Haiti Chistian Mission working in a cholera clinic... things are bad and they are low on supplies.... if you see this please donate to http://www.mmrcglobal.org/ or http://www.nwhcm.com/

If you want to help Yamikani - Ishmael and other kids in Malawi- Donate to http://www.cohcommunity.org/
for more info visit the Circle of Hope Facebook page.


But for now this is the least I can do.
What will you do?